Red vs Blue: Church's return
by MachSpeed Harmonus Sentinalus
Summary: post-revelation, what would happen if one day, the epsilon unit started back up, allowing it to be re-accessed and allowing Church and Tex to escape, well, the hopes won't show for the latter, but Church is about to make a come-back, one-shot


**Hello, i put together this one-shot on easter weekend, hoorah, and, SYMBOLISM**

**also, an 'honorable defeat' is when an outranking soldier orders you to surrender, and you have to comply or you will be executed for insubordination, and all those under you will surrender honorably, and a leader leveling is when two leaders are put at the same rank, like a captain and a master sergeant, or a staff segeant and a second lieutenant, they are just the same level rank**

**Disclaimer: i don't own red vs. blue, or RvB, for short, but am a fan of it**

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><p>Fan Episode 1a: The Third Coming<p>

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><p><em>I feel something, a ringing sensation, in my brain, what is that? I see someone, wearing white armor, no, it can't be...<em>

"RAWR, GROWL.", the thing hollered

_it is, it's the meta, what is it doing here?_

"rawr?", the meta growled, then he ran towards church

_oh no you don't, not here..._

"DIE!", church exclaimed as he fired a laser bullet at the meta, it hit in the middle of it's face, killing it

"YEAH!", church yelled,_he had finally gotten a shot, his, what was this? 2011th hit on something living_

suddenly, though, the meta got up, the hole in it's head sealing, and it got to church and grabbed his neck

_how, why, how can this happen, what is going on?_

Outside the epsilon unit

the epsilon unit was giving off tremendous amounts of power

"_huh, wait, i think i might be able to open it now_", simmons thought as he gently worked his way through the protective plating on the epsilon unit

"hey grif, check this out.", simmons said

"what is it? did you finally give up on that bad luck magnet?", grif said, hating the epsilon unit, it had been the thing to help the meta almost kill him

"no, it suddenly started giving off crazy amounts of power, I think I might be able to open it now, get me a backpack from a suit of armor." simmons explained and ordered

"why do you need a backpack?", grif questioned, uninformed

"well, you see, every suit of Bio-mechanical body armor, mark IV and up, has a nuclear fusion power reactor cell installed into it, that's what's in our backpacks, and that's why I need one, I can't use mine because I can't reach it and it powers the armor suit, so I would be stuck and die from lack of air.", simmons explained

"I knew that, I mean why do you need one if it's already making it's own power?", grif said

"well, think about this, without an outside power source, working with the epsilon unit is like eating a hotdog on fire, but working with it WITH an outside power source, it's like eating a hotdog cooking beside a fire, which would you eat? a flaming hotdog or a cooked hotdog?", simmons explained, hoping grif would understand the example

"OH, now I get it, it would be to hot for you to eat, or, I think work with? okay, umm, I think lopez has a spare.", grif said, leaving

grif ran to where lopez had been shot, and pulled off the back pack, after being shot at by washington a few times, he ran back as fast as he could, lucky that wash had run out of ammo

"okay, huff, I have it, huff, huff, huff, take the d*mn thing.", grif said, out of breath and wanting to not approach blue base for a LONG time

"okay, hooking it up, okay, it's in.", simmons said

"WAAAAAAAIIIIIIT.", yelled a voice

tucker was running and yelling towards the reds

he finally got there, and huffing and puffing, worded out

"I, huff, just wanted to say, huff, bow, huff, chicka, huff, bow, huff wow.", tucker said weakly

"what?", simmons asked

"I said, huff, bow chicka bow wow, okay, that's all.", tucker said, running back to blue base

"I have to say, that was the probably the most random thing i have ever seen/heard in my entire life, so far.", grif said, half confused and half bored

"well, I found a port, and a screen, it says, insert component codename: lock breakable, what the hell does that mean?", simmons said confused

"I think it's a keyboard, like a key opens locks, and a board can be broken.", grif said, guessing

"hey, I think your right, wow, grif is right for once.", simmons said, getting a keyboard

"well, I, I can't argue with that.", grif said, sumbitting defeat

"okay, I plugged it in, now it says enter password, hmm, director, no, leader, no, ai unit, no, password?, no, freelancer, no, states, no, man, so many words to try, wait, i just remembered something, there might be a back-door password.", simmons said

"a back-door password? what's that?", grif questioned

"well, you see, the creator of something usually puts in his or her own secret owner/administrator password, which when entered, gives them instant access to everything in the system, it's easy for that person to remember, but hard to geuss for others, it's usually someone's name, someone close to the person, wait, that's it." simmons said, thinking

simmons left, and went to find caboose, he looked for him through his zoom scope, and then caboose appeared directly in front of it

"hello.", caboose said

"HOLY JESUS MOTHER OF SH*T BURGER F*CKIN SCARED THE SH*T OUT OF ME!", simmons exclaimed in vulgarness and surprise

"what do you want simmons? are you here to spy on me again? do you have those cookies I asked for a long time ago? do you want to be my friend?", caboose asked, not knowing much anything

"no, none of that, do you know the name of that girl that the director was with, but then she died?", simmons said bluntly

"OH, you mean allison? yep, I heard washington telling church about that once, but then church got trapped inside epsilon, it's sad, I miss church, agent washington isn't a good replacement.", caboose said, not knowing what simmons wanted at all

"oh, okay, thanks caboose, I think you might see church soon.", simmons said, not believing how easy the task was

"GASP, REALLY? okay, bye simmons, see you later, I still want COOKIES, if you don't give me cookies then you will lose your spying priveleges, AND GET CHURCH BACK!", caboose said nonsensically

simmons returned and entered the password, then, it showed a database of files, he noticed one file in particular, it was moving, he clicked on it, it was the file on the director, he saw the option 'extreme export' and clicked on it it said 'please connect exportation mechanism'

"bah, i have no idea about that", simmons said, suddenly, his phone rang, he got a message of a new achievement, after being told how to do it, he grabbed a rocket launcher and went to aim it at blue base, he saw washington, looking out at him, then, he fired, he heard a click, then a computer sound, then a voice said 'EXPORT ACTIVATED', suddenly, the rocket fired, but was made up of green text, it flew towards blue base at break neck speed, an hit washington, then, a flash happened, and a sound followed, it sounded like a laser scanner, and then, washington flew backwards, and he opened his eyes as quick as he could, to see a person

"OW, GOD-D*MNIT, THAT HURT, THAT F*CKING HURT LIKE HELL, WHAT JUST HAPPENED, THAT WAS F*CKING BULLSH*T", said a familiar voice

"it can't be, is that you? epsilon?", washington said, hurting

"what? WASHINGTON, look at me in the face, right now.", said the voice

washington got up and got a clear view of the person, "it is you, how did you get back?"

"you know, 62 days of non-stop accuracy training can help a man, that's about 1000 hours as of when I left, I want my rifle.", epsilon said

"I can't give you your rifle, it's mine now.", washington said

"I am a captain, that is a level 8 rank, you are a private, that is a level 1 rank, i outrank you, now give me my rifle, that's an order.", epsilon said

"epsilon, you are an AI program, you can't be a captain.", washingotn said matter-of-factly

"NO, MY NAME IS LEONARD L. CHURCH, AND YOU WILL FEAR MY LASER GUN!", church said

he fired at washington and hit him square in the forehead, killing him indefinitely

"now, I order you to be dead.", church said, taking his rifle

"I AM CAPTAIN CHURCH, AND I ORDER ALL BLUE TEAM VALHALLA OUTPOST 1 MEMBERS TO REPORT TO IN FRONT OF THE FRONT GATE IMMEDIATELY!", captain church ordered

he jumped down and tucker and caboose came out front

"HOLY SH*T, church, your back!", tucker said in surprise

"YAY, CHURCH, YOUR BACK, MY BEST FRIEND HAS RETURNED!", caboose said

"caboose shut up, and that's sir to you, I am your captain, and you will follow my orders.", captain church said

"your not the captain, who said you were the captain?", tucker questioned

"sister did, she was sent to replace flowers, and I was promoted to captain, so now I give the orders.", church said

"what makes you think we'll listen to you?", tucker questioned even further

"while inside the epsilon unit, i got 1000 hours of training in accuracy, and hit 2011 things, so follow my orders or be executed for insubordination.", church threatened

"alright fine, so, how well can you shoot now?", tucker asked

"well, watch this.", church said, turning around

he pulled out a strange purple rifle-looking weapon, he charged it up, and fired a laser, and hit lopez II in the head, which was made easier due to the fact that lopez II was standing still

"(spanish) OW, *SSHOLE.", lopez II yelled, is body destroyed

"wow.", tuckered said in amazement

"yep,", church said, the screen fading out

"and you still don't get the sniper rifle.", church's voice said

"GODD*MNIT!", tucker's voice yelled in anger

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><p>Fan Episode 1b: 'Welcome' - f.i.l.s.s.<p>

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><p>"this is captain church calling command, come in command, do you read me?", church called<p>

"hello? captain church? hello, wait, captain church, you were promoted to colonel 2 months ago, so, colonel church, what is the situation?", the person at command said

"really? HOLY SH*T, I'm awesome, ehem, sorry for that, i need a status report on the assignings of troops in valhalla test field 1.", church requested

"okay, I can do that, at red base valhalla outpost 1, the troops assigned there are Sergeant Major Sarge, private dexter grif, private richard dick simmons, and private franklin donut, at blue base valhalla outpost 1, the troops assigned there are you, Colonel Leonard Church, Private Lavernius Tucker, and Private Michael Caboose, that is everyone, is that all?", the person concluded

a light bulb went off in church's head, "yeah, yeah that's it, that's what i'll do.", he said

he then starting walking towards red base, being fired at

"I ORDER YOU TO STOP FIRING, AS ISSUED BY COLONEL LEONARD CHURCH!", church ordered to the reds

"oh sh*t he can do that, he outranks us.", simmons said to sarge and grif

"no he doesn't, you two are privates, but i am a sergeant major, so he can't order me to do anything.", sarge said, jumping down

"hey you, church, you can't order me to do anything, i am a sergeant major.", sarge said in defiance

"yes, yes you are a sergeant major, and if you could count properly, and knew that specialist and corporal were alternate rankings, you would know that colonel is a level 11 rank and sergeant major is a level 10 rank, therefore, i outrank you, and i hereby ORDER YOU TO SURRENDER.", church ordered

"WHAT, d*mnit, if only I had been passing math before I dropped out of high school to join the army, alright, I guess you win, rules are rules, GRIF, SIMMONS COME DOWN HERE.", sarge ordered his own privates

grif and simmons came down to where sarge and church were, and tucker and caboose came up to the group as well

"well, I guess my ranking makes me the leader of this area, come in command, this is colonel leonard church, come in, I have news.", church said, calling command

"this is command, what is the situation colonel leonard church?", the command person said

"yes, this is colonel church coming in from valahlla test field 1, i have given an honorable defeat to the red team located here, I request a leader leveling and re-location of both teams.", church requested, and the command person agreed

"what's a leader leveling?", caboose and grif asked

"a leader leveling is when the leaders are demoted/promoted to be the same rank, in this case, I would be demoted by 1 rank, making me a lieutenant colonel, while sarge here would remain a sergeant major, but you guys still have to comply because my decision was backed up by command.", church explained

"but, herg,", church cringed, and everyone got to in front of him, " I have one more thing to inform you of, I am a copy of the director of project freelancer, and I have one thing to say.", he said, raising a grenade in the air, the all the AI programs circling his head, saying things, then going into him, then, a whole bunch of lights flashed, and he threw the grenade onto the ground, it exploded, and green text was thrown at the others, they were knocked to their butts, and sat looking at church or being disoriented, waiting for him to explain what he just did

then, in a strong southern accent, he said four words that chilled them to their souls, "welcome to the project.", he said, and then they all heard things in their heads

'grawr, kill, destroy, revenge, redeem.' sarge heard in his head, as his visor was flooded with text, then, it said, 'super strength technology activated, AI unit omega'

'hello caboose, long time no see, as you might say it' caboose heard, and then he got the message 'energy reflective shielding technology activated, AI unit delta'

'hello, i am stuck with you now, shisno' tucker heard, and he heard the words 'time control technology activated, AI unit gamma'

'greetings, it's nice to meet you' grif heard, and then his visor showed, 'invisibility technology activated, AI unit beta'

'OI, hello, how are you, i don't care' simmons heard, then he got a message, 'super speed technology activated, AI unit celos'

'well, i am listening to myself talk to myself inside my head, that's wierd, but i have haunting memories' church heard, and then he heard 'super healing technology activated, AI unit epsilon, unit alpha detected, mind control technology activated'

a few hours later, a transport ship came to pick them and their stuff up, then church turned to the others

"let's go, my fellow freelancers.", church said in his now more hearable southern accent, and they ran to the ship, not looking back

and it fades to black, playing the epic music

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><p><strong>well, what did you think? I honestly liked it, the idea of church having all sorts of power, and having all the AI, and turning the RvB main crew into freelancers, it's original, you can say that much<strong>

**anyway post a review telling me what parts you liked, or what i could improve on, or what you didn't like, or what you thought was over-powered, or what you thought in general, anyway, bye you guys**

**ALSO, as stated in a review, donut WAS dead before this, but, i don't think command knew he was dead, so they probably haven't updated their records or something**

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**OH YEAH, and check out my other stories and review them as well with your opinions**


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